ego death

(it was like)

an

    existential

realization

    of                     what

   i was.

                just a mortal being

swimming

along

     in a sea

of reality

and yet

  i felt

  (like)

i was going to die.

      i was

        transported

             to that event

         (  aforementioned expiration  )
               in my mind

                and

     i 
saw   my
  death
the
expunction of my entity.

   i was a fish

       and

 i just dissolved.
and (something like) a
soul was

    simply

        sinking (silently)

      into the bottom

    of this
             icy ocean

         and

               i

             .

              .

               . 

                .

                  fell

      into                nothingness

    and i thought
okay
                                                                                 (like)

this is (absoLUTEly)

the

worst

thing

                        that could have happened.

i have failed. (failed.) (failed.)

               (failed.) (failed!)

                        my

  (bio)logical

    P

                   I

            L

              L

              A

              R(umble)crumbling

phosp(hates)ugarphosp(hates) 

                                   u

toppling                                         g

           down                                   a

      the titan spires                           r

                               all for nothing

                        or just for themselves

bits and pieces
     of (r)evolutionary
 atomic bundles

              staining

           my cytoplasmic cesspool

(pink,

     like in the textbooks
       i guess
  because cells look more interesting
                that way)

                                                    

always darkening

         into a shade  

    reminiscent of           
               the

    primordial ooze.

      yes (yes!) 

you are (this is) ONLY your dna.

and from these

               almighty nucleic acids

           upsurges

                                   
                               everything.

look
 into my eyes.

        (every)                       (damn)

        

                    conceivable

                   infinitesimal

                         iota

                          of

                      anything

      in the realm of comprehensibility

                         that

                    you can see

           (in my eyes, remember)                                               

is merely

      the armor for my dna

             forged from the

      perfect

               architectural scrawlings

  selectively-guarded by selectively-permeable

                        cave walls 

                              those collective blueprints for

billions of cities (like

  plato never dreamed)

      accompanied

      by

          feather-fretted songs

            of elegance and harmony

weaving     euphony
            and           consonance

      in the silk-threads

           of the earth‘s helical

               embrace

     and
           hurryhurry!!

 it's  ( d )

        (  r )

        (  i )

        ( p )

       ( p )

   th ( i ) rough

 the s ( n ) eams  of

          ( g )

   {  that which we’ll call supreme

 the truth’s king  }

   (eversoquietly) seeping

                      through bedrock

         brandishing sound

                          and ink

                   and a zeus-infused
                          zeal for the truth

              until

                THE BELLOW

                     bounces down

from the pinnacle

                      of whatever lofty rock 
                         offered it shelter

ATTENTION, brothers-in-arms!

                                     the (truth's) king has decreed
                                             that

                                you are just our chromosomes
                   violently seeking to vanquish entropy

                                                (and it rings and it rings.)

                 and

                    if i may be pardoned
                             the briefest of digressions

              ahemwheezcough

        while i was busy

  dusting nietzsche’s crusty

   cracking fingerbones at

the foot

   of the ivory tower
i thought to myself
                        i am nothing more than
                   a relatively advanced bacterium
                                 lucky to have existed
                          eversobriefly

           adrift and inebriated

         and THIS

        is what these fish must fundamentally understand

  in order to attain 

          your freedom

       you must nestle into

            that most sweet and epiphanous sector

                             of space-time
                  and drown
                       in the (somewhat disenchanting) fact
               that you simply don't matter

and                       

when you feel as close to

                                       dead

             as you’re able

                      only then can you
            realize the self
and begin the very
   peaceful process of contentedly fielding questions.

     

     [it made me] QUESTION (everything)

[it made me] QUESTION (my existence)

things stopped

   being causal

                         things just
                                         were

           that’s not to say

that        cause

       and          effect

     dispel each other

completely

  (for        

causality is

        the only thing

   in which

we must

     believe)

                   sorry

            you just can't know what it

FELT

         like

                                    to be stretched beyond

                                                      the ends of myself

     and witness ME
                             in the (deepbreath)

                                                           fourth (whew)

                                                            dimension

                  you look at

       one

      point

               yet see

   both cradle and grave

  {sigh}
             THIS "point" POINT
  {you deaf sack of shit}

                                          THAT is you

    just a point

                a picture

      a lifespan
              a radar blip

        blinking incessantly

                           furiously redecorating

    its three-dimensional

            iglooprisondomesticbuildingthingwhatever

     you see               that
                 and then
           you'll hear      it

           the cadence

                   fading in

               bearing naught but a breath

                          naught but a microphone to-be

                                          quaking with

                                       the essence of lungs

                      swelling with

                           (aggression)

                                     ((crescendo))

                and the                    (((vibrancy)))                  of some frenetically spiritual thing

                                                                         

cleaving apart

             the words
                         plastering
                       my skull

  in sticky

            bold             and

                          black letters

    oh the ringing
           no not the ringing

     my brain is singing
     (stop the ringing) 
  must i stare at this picture
 until i                   die    again
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     (whew)

            yes yes yes

                 it was an

                  out-of-body

   experience

                      all right

                     as if i were

in both places at once

(and in between)

                                   my tired mind forgetting

                            where i was

     my poor widdle hippocampus so oversaturated that
memories choking on each other
    just repeating and repeating
            like these

          asshole

deja-vu things

                                                                                                   (it was like)
the
   worst sense 
of deja-vu things

     deja-vu

        deja-vu

        overover
             over

                 over

            and

       i would remember

       everything in the future

                                before it happened

        but then

                           i was forced to live it out anyway. 

              alas
                   here i am
recounting all of this
          to
YOU

      intrepid fleshy sack

                         of forty-six ruthlessly driven chrome

                                                                        oh

                                                                      zomes

 (yes,)
YOU

         stoned-out piece of shit

      with that big question mark

                                    on your head
                             bemoaning 
                                          life's excruciating uncertainty
                                             whilst

                 twirling in every direction

                          as if

                              to unearth

                    the totality of existence 
                         (all by yourself)

YOU 
      ought to listen

I

  the assuager of qualms

 ride steedless into

             war (or glorious despair)

               against the righteous horde

      marching mechanically
ripe with ignorance

                                                utterly selfish

                                       and

                                                utterly trivial

                        proclaiming something
                   about truth

  much like

i am here

    to proclaim

                       which is (colon)

          the question

               mark indeed

                    possesses the

capacity for comfort.

                                         breathbreath 

                            thanks

                           (gulpgulp)
                        yeah man, got to love that

                                          comfort that comes

                                    from the annihilistic liberation

               the uncertainty soothes my soul

                       while i'm baring my fangs

                                                  glaring

      into
    the eyes of death

  the ultimate obstacle

      the inevitable winking

         demise

against whose force

                                    i will ultimately resign

                       toss up

                     my hands
             (without the energy to sigh)
contented         to play

          this twisted waiting

              game

   meanwhile

spraying my genes

     into

               anything that moves.

the vicious cycle

     the

vicious cycle

is

viciously

sicklickall

these

        lines

have

   always been

intersecting

your

magnifying glass

        is

too

  small.

(sorry.)

savior

the pictures on the wall
all look
faded

and
the patterns on your blouse
don't seem quite there

i ask to keep you
no not to leave you in
                               despair

i've got to leave you
kiss your head (goodbye)
go on now
               fly

away
        from here

tear stained pupils
paint
a drowning sun

hoarse
       from screaming
(like either of us cared)

you ask to keep me
no not to leave me in
                              despair

you've got to leave me
kiss my head (goodbye)
i'll get on
              by

away
        from here

you've got other souls
to save
i'll take
       this one
                to the grave.

splendorous zeal

at the lapse in breath
when you see it
you're cold and drunk because
it's all that's left

discard the
information repeat
discard the information
telling nothing
to these groups of neurons

blundering forth
we've made ourselves
in this breath
complex bacteria
fighting for it all

can you
read that shit back
to yourself
and not vomit.

the ice is near

and

it’s all very sad

so i tell myself

(knees clutched to my chest

dying of frostbite)

looking back at this page

reading and vomiting all over

it again and again

the ultimate hypocrite

rides against the wind

carrying faint echoes of Nietzsche

and the cries of his foolish wife

in a foolish world with BOUNDARIES

and GENDERS and NATIONS

i dry-heave alone

in this endless forochel

laughing and laughing and stammering

we are evolution

i am (finally) at peace knowing

this nonsense would always be written.

day at the races

these people

(with their iced lemonades

and polyester-woven shirts)

all look

like they’re having a really good time.

crack like glass

i see the world in her glasses
a fleeting white glimmer
waving to the breeze of cars whirring by
watching the reflection of the world
still spinning

i see her eyes working churning
searching and searching and searching
for the fracture (in those windows
to something that nobody but those cars outside
would understand) some breaking point
so those tears could escape their snowy prison
white like her marshmallow cheeks
so she could cry oh god she cried she cried
and she cried and so did i

i see a heart molding in some
stygian pits cracked like glass
bleeding and bleeding
and nobody cares there’s just those
eyes that know the past and want to forget it
snow globes full of mystery
beholding the whirlwind of love
(and a silky green ribbon)

i see her world through my eyes
deep and wide
alive soft pale blue
with nothing but clouds and open sky
as she takes to flight spreading wings to the sun
circling a broken tower leaning toward the dawn
as she bathes the world in a soothing wash of light
forever light
and clouds and clouds and sky and clouds
glowing clouds rising clouds erupting clouds
and applause
and something beautiful
rising rising light forever.