ad nauseam

if i had known her better
i might not have immediately thought
SUICIDAL
when i beheld the old lady’s
decrepit shuffle to her sedan
in the grocery store parking lot
this bright thursday morning.
she shuffled on
as if void of purpose
and such purposelessness were
out of her control.
either age
or lack of use
had siphoned out the once-raging
blood from her weathered hands
from her fingertips now resignedly,
valiantly clasped
around her push cart,
and she reeked of it.
the stench of her uselessness.
the wood of her casket.

and i felt bad jumping to
SUICIDAL
i mean okayokayokay
who knows
she might have plenty
going on in her life
but
we both knew
that was society scolding me for thinking
just what everyone else was thinking:
SUICIDAL
we like to stamp it on everybody
with a sad song or a gloomy gaze
because we are important
we have
PURPOSE
we have a certificate signed dr. whohastimetocare
stuck up on the refrigerator
eight by eleven inch validation
a golden anachronism held high
above our heads
for our dried-out parents
now weary of investing in the future
of the future of the future of the future,

and as i watched
that faded, cloudy crown
crumbling through that woman’s fingers
in the grocery store parking lot
i realized why she hung on to her
cart so tightly
why she bothered to buy a specific
brand of peanut butter
and to remember her niece’s birthday
because who needs something so small
so geologically insignificant
so colossally and undeniably trifling
so evolutionarily inconsequential
just an old woman
breathing deeply
filling her nostrils with the smell
of atrophy to which they have long
grown accustomed.

so SUICIDAL or not
i watched her take the cart
back to the place where everybody
puts the cart
awry
and i watched her long hobble
back to the car and i watched her
get in the car and adjust her mirrors
and light a cigarette
and slowly
goddamnit
just so slowly
drive off to enjoy the rest
of her quite useless thursday morning.

and as she drove out of my sight
i swiveled back around
and felt the air conditioning pound
my face and i took off my seatbelt
and laid my forehead on the steering wheel,
and minutes later
i stepped out of my car,
shut the door,
and walked toward the grocery store
almost completely certain
that i had found some new,
heartening hope.